What? Orange? Black?

Now I’m just randomly hopping around on Netflix. You ever take longer trying to decide on what to watch than to actually watch anything at all? 

Fell back on the “Orange is the New Black” Randomly chose Season 3, Episode 5 for no particular reason. And right off the bat, Tastee and Pussy are babbling about mountains of pubes in the corners of the showers. Perfect, I’m on the right show.

Apparently, some corporation MCC is dumping money into Litchfield and the prison is getting a bunch of upgrades like bathroom stall doors and shit. But mostly, I have no clue what’s happening here. All the hynas in the kitchen are fighting. Then some fucking random flashback to Marisol’s POV pre-prison. OMG! What is going on in this fucking show! It’s so confusing!!!

And 12 minutes later, still no clue what’s going on. Mm, bout to start from Season 3, Episode 1 in a minute. Wasn’t like this show supposed to be about Piper?

Tonight’s confusing as fuck episode is paired with no chips and Nikka Coffee Grain Whisky on the rocks. 


Rewind and rewatch. Okay! NOW I get – in a series of Gonzalez’s flashbacks, we learn that the reason for her being in prison is because of the following:

  1. She’s an immature high school student
  2. Due to reason 1, she wants money to buy shit and impress her BF. And she thinks her mom’s a loser b/c she’s a seamstress who makes knock-off designer dresses.
  3. Due to reason 2, she sells fake acid at school
  4. Due to reason 3, she ends up in Litchfield Correctional

Back to the present day, the inmates are given a personality test of which 40 are chosen to get “upgraded” to new jobs that supposedly pay more than the standard 0.89 cents per hour. The job remains a mystery til the end of the episode. 

Round the corner to the suspenseful conclusion of this episode, Gonzalez, is chosen as on of the “elite” 40; even though she didn’t even complete the assessment test. She gets on the list, heads over to her old job at the kitchen and tells her old buddies to fuck off and touts that’s she’s smarter than them. Way to burn bridges idiot!

Finally, the elite 40 are escorted to the new facility where the new job is revealed. Y’all are seamstresses and you gonna sew some PANTIES! I-fucking-ronic!!! Home run! Look at this sad ass face!!! Good night!!! 


i am sad.

Tonight’s episode (Season 3, Episode 5: Fake It Til You Fake It Some More) is paired with Ruffles and  Nikka Coffee Grain Whisky ?